My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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