woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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