smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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