i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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