Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
