I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You ate ashes out of my bong
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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