Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
