Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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