Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
