mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
