dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
