More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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