she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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