I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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