While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
