I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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