so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
