ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
