I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
