You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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