Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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