im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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