If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
