Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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