Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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