I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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