I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
