I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
