there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
