I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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