once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
