im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
