Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
