I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
