I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
