96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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