Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
