As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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