I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
