birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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