On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
