why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
