What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I AM VODKA MAN
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
