giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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