the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
