Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
