so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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