Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
