Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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