and you said cock pushups were impossible
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
