what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
